I’ve been thinking about putting into words what it feels like to be a size 12 in the body positive movement for months. I’ve started writing this post so many times I wasn’t sure if I’d actually ever write it. Usually, I sit down and the words just spill out of my fingers into the keyboard but for this post…it’s harder.
I started blogging to represent something I felt was missing in media – the middle girl. The girl who grew up in a small town but has dreams of seeing the world (but maybe not sure how to get there because there’s just so much damn corn and cows between her and an international airport.)
The girl who likes cheese and packs weight on her hips and couldn’t fit into those trendy $100 Abercrombie jeans as a teen, much less afford them. The girl whose body type was never spotted in magazines and was represented as the “fat friend” in movies and was late to the game to figure out how to dress cool or wear the appropriate amount of eyeliner and starting feeling like maybe there was something wrong with her body?
Who aren’t overweight by the media’s standards.
But who aren’t skinny by the media’s standards either.
Girls like me. Left in the middle.
The middle girl, who has spent her whole life feeling a little confused about how she should feel about her body or dress her body or talk about her body. When you’re in the middle of skinny and plus-size, do you get to talk about fat problems? Or because you don’t have to buy two airline seats when flying, does that mean you’re not big enough to talk about body issues?
Being a size 12 makes you really fucking confused. And a little guilty. And a little angry.
When I shop online and I see a size 2 model and a plus-size model show off a dress, is it ok that I feel frustrated that I still don’t actually know what that dress will look like on my body type? Or should I just shut up because at the end of the day, my size is still carried in most stores and I’ve never had to personally feel what it feels like to not be able to walk into any mall and find something cute in my size?
The body-positive movement this decade has been revolutionary in the way women are portrayed in media. I’m so incredibly happy that everyone from Netflix casting teams to fast fashion stores have been changing their business models to be more size-inclusive (and more diverse!) Suddenly, not just skinny is being praised, but plus-size is, too! All over mainstream and social media.
I’m going to say it one more time – that is AWESOME. But…I don’t identify with plus size women. But I don’t identify with slim women, either. It has left a gap for girls like me who are in the middle.
As someone in the middle, I’ve been told I’m not fat enough to talk about body image. I’ve been told my life looks great, I shouldn’t complain. That I’m really pretty and I should just shut up. That my thighs aren’t even that big. On the flip side, I’m also regularly told I’m too fat, that I shouldn’t show my body on Instagram because my rolls are disgusting. That I’m a cow.
When you are in the middle, you are left really fucking confused about how you should feel. Should you love your body type or hate it?
I was once approached by a MAJOR fashion brand to walk in their body-positive fashion show. And then, at the last minute, they asked me not to walk because I “wasn’t big enough.“
True story.
That honestly fucked with my head for weeks and still does sometimes. As a body positive blogger, my end goal is for every woman to feel confident in her skin and with herself but I want women to feel like they can do anything. She can travel alone if she wants. She can move to a new city if she wants. She can wear a granny dress if it makes her happy and she can start her own business if that’s what she wants and goddammit, she can still struggle with skin issues at age 27 but that’s ok because I know 4 awesome face masks that will help that shit.
I blog because I have a (mostly) healthy relationship with my body now as an adult but honestly would have benefited so much as a teenager from hearing and seeing and learning from a relatable role model the same age as me. When I was 18 and traveled around Ireland for 2 weeks and literally survived off of Guinness because I was a stupid teenager and dropped 15+ pounds – I felt so fucking amazing. Like I was finally beautiful. And when it came back, I felt not amazing.
But if I’m not “big enough” should I just shut up and stop talking? Am I making it worse for women larger than me? Am I part of the problem?
When I’m told I’m not fat enough to be even talking about body image or fat acceptance…it makes me feel guilty. Because they are right in many aspects. Tomorrow, I can wake up and take a hike up Muir Woods if I wanted to. (Like, I’d be really out of breath but I could do it at a normal-sh pace.)
I could get on a crowded bus and not have to worry about taking up too much space. But knowing I can do that still doesn’t make me feel like I shouldn’t work on losing that 10 pounds I’ve gained this past year. Or make me hate my eczema-riddled skin any less. It doesn’t stop the trolls from sliding into my DMs with hateful messages. It also doesn’t stop the doctors form weighing me and declaring that my BMI is obese or dangerously near obese and then instantly brushing off any health conditions because they think if I just run more everything will be solved.
These days, it feels like you are either praised for being plus size or praised for being skinny/fit, but you aren’t praised for being in the middle.
So, that’s what it feels like to be a size 12 in the body positive movement. Confused about if you are fat or if you are skinny. Happy you aren’t overweight, but a little sad you still don’t look like what media thinks is beautiful and that gets in your head.
Guilty because you recognize you aren’t as heavy as plus-size models but you still have insecurities because you are human, too. Angry that people don’t understand that you can be confident AND insecure at the same time.
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34 comments
Yes to all of this. Your posts are always beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you, Jenn!
Im 5,8 feet and Im a size 14/ 12 I feel like a giant because Im not a skinny tall model, im a normal sized tall women.
It sucks. I hear you, the middle sized women are not catered too.. I mean im a medium mostly, but people think Im a Large. Its so weird.
Thank you for this post.
Right – you’re either “skinny” or “plus size” and I find society wants to put me in one or the other which isn’t correct.
You said the words that I have been feeling for years. I’m around an 8/10 and that’s the exact way I’ve felt and I so appreciate you saying it. <3
I’ve felt this way all my life, and it’s great to see that so many other women share this issue with me and that I’m not alone. Thank you for talking honestly about uncomfortable topics.
You are not alone and I am not alone! So happy the age of social sharing can bring us all together.
Kara
I know this post is a few years old, but I have to comment. This hits too close to home for me.
I have had customers at my job (Yay, retail life!) compare me to every plus size bleach blonde celebrity, (short of Miss Piggy!!!), because, I’m a bleach blonde… yet not a size 00.
I even had an acquaintance who works at another retail store tell me how she was irritated that the mall’s shopping options for trendy clothes were limited to mainly Express, and that “Express doesn’t make clothes for women our size.”
… I shop Express often and never had an issue with fitting into their clothes.
But apparently I *look* too fat for Express, a store I shop at often, and can fit anywhere from a M-L and up to a 14 there.
Plus sizes are simply too large for me. But I apparently look plus.
I have many plus size friends, and even family members, who I love dearly and think are beautiful just the way they are so me sounding “fatphobic” or being offended when someone compares me to Meghan Trainor or says I’m too big for a certain store, feels like a bad move for me, yet, here I am sadly.
Even had a plus size friend say something like “yeah it would be nice if professional athletes would go for fluffy girls like us”… and my heart shattered. I know she didn’t mean to offend me but… I’m truly a “medium” girl… I’m not plus. Nor am I skinny. But I don’t think I’m fluffy.
I struggled with anorexia and substance abuse in high school, and my lowest (and unhealthiest) weight is still my “goal” and I know it’s unhealthy… but every comment I get about how I look like whatever plus size celebrity with similar hair to mine… everytime someone assumes I can’t fit into a store I shop at often…. every time my friend includes me into being “fluffy”… it triggers me more.
Anyway!!!! Beautiful article!
I identify with this so.hard. Thanks for putting into words exactly what I feel.
I felt like it had to be written! It’s good to hear you found it helpful to read!
Kara
Wow! Well said! Exactly! I’ve been 20+ overweight for about 15 years now. I’m 60 and its so difficult to get it off and keep it off…..well…getting it off is easier than keeping it off. I think about my body every day! Likely much like a man thinks about sex! Thank you, Kathy
So glad I stumbled upon this post! This is needed! I struggle with being in the “in-between” as well! Like, okay, I used to be skinny (but very unhealthy), but I’m not “plus size” so can I have a beautiful shape?! What if I don’t have the ideal curves like larger bodied women? I love that you’re putting this out there and encourages me to accept the body I am in! Thank you!
Katherine, I love what you said here. I feel the exact same way of my shape. Not skinny with tight tummy and a thigh gap, but without the full curves that seem to be praised.
I’m just a normal girl, trying to love myself right where I am and this post helped me a bit in that direction. 🙂
YES!!! Everything you said was so relatable. I never knew how to identify my body weight, because you’re right. We’re in the middle and it’s just confusing as fuck! I love your mindset, and the way you wrote these beautiful words. We are powerful, beautiful, and real. Love love love ♥️
This is literally me. Literally. Me. I can’t even begin to express how much I identify with this. Thank you.
Same…
Wow I really needed to hear this. Thank you for your words and your beautiful pictures.
This actually captures all of my emotions toward my body as well. In my family I was fat growing up but hitting high school I lost weight. But I wasn’t skinny. My sister has no issues with her weight and is perfect. But I was never that way. I love my body, but I feel like media has shamed it. I’m not skinny, I’m not fat. But you are gorgeous and I’m grateful that I read this. Thank you!
I literally got done working out after a depressing rant concerning the cake I ate (in place of dinner) in my head and then I typed into google : “being a size 12”
And *wallah* here you are, you red haired , fair skinned poetic genie of my confident/ insecure life.
THANK YOU FOR THIS !
I was NEVER able to put into words how I felt about my body but this actually describes it all.
Thanks for your obedience to your talents Ma’am , keep on writing and being yourself ❤️?
Wow just wow. Ive never read anything like this before, I needed to read this. Im a middle girl too. But even when i was at a “healthy” weight I never felt comfortable with myself. It just took me gaining 30 pounds to appreciate how my body was before. Now I’m dieting to get back to what I was before. Sick right? But anyways thank you or this article it’s amazing and so are you.
Yeeeessss
Thank you so so much. I didn’t even know I needed to hear this, but I did. I’m not a plus size, but I’m still overweight and I know the struggle over dropping 10 pounds and feeling beautiful but horrible and then gaining 20 pounds and feeling better but still guilty. I learned to love my body for what it is, but sometimes it gets hard. I’m glad to actually see pictures of a person with nearly the same body type as myself, because yes, bodypositivity is great, but I dont belong to neither side of the movement that is portrayed… so yes. Thank you
If there’s ever anything that I’ve related to, its this!! I’ve fluctuated between sizes 10-14 for as long as I can remember and always felt the same “I’m not plus size so should I be thankful? and i’m also not skinny so should I be sad?” Its so confusing and this just made me feel not so alone in that!
Thanks:)
Sending love to you Courtney!
yes! this is how I’ve felt for so many years. I love that there are plus-size models now! but I would love representation for us “in-betweeners”, too! after all, the best-selling clothes sizes are 8-12.. so how come there are so many of us in real-life and none on catwalks & in magazines? thank you for your post! <3
100% relatable! Thank you!
This right here. <3 thank you for bringing life to what I’ve been feeling but never could put it into words.
I’m so grateful for this. I feel like I’m always just in the middle; too curvy/slightly heavy to be considered slender, but not heavy enough to be seen as plus size. It’s infuriating and the pull to join either camp is strong! I would love to see more media and marketing for the girls in the middle.
This is everything i didn’t know I needed to hear. Thank you 💛
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now. In the last year I have been anywhere between size 4 and 10 and this “middle” area is so frustrating! You conveyed my thoughts perfectly, thank you!
Yes! This. All of this. Is exactly how I’ve been feeling recently. I’m a size 10/12, a have a belly on me, large thighs, etc. Not plus size but not skinny either. The middle zone is certainly a confuaing place to be. I needed to hear this today, thank you.
Waw! I just stumbled across this, and I’m so happy I did. I have been a EUR 38+ for 5 some years now, and I sometimes feel so alone in the world. I see no one in the media with a body like mine. Every once in a while I search up “outfit ideas for normal women” or “chubby” or “dress for your body type” but my body (small boobs, wide chest, thick atlethic legs, skinny shoulders and chubby arms) is never portrayed anywhere. All I find is plus-size women or skinny women working out, promising I can look like them. They are all beautiful, but what I searched for and needed was a woman I could identify with. It is a real problem, and Im so happy you are sharing about this and posting your amasing pictures! <3 Thank you for putting words to my struggle too!
Oh yeah and btw – that fashion show should have had you on board! I need to see women like you on a runway, that would seriously make my life better! love <3
I can totally relate to your feelings even if if my body is very different from yours. I’m 4’11 and 128 lbs. people see the height OR the weight and say, you’re a size small, you’re “petite” but anything made for typical “petite” women looks very “fat guy in a little coat” on me.
My current measurements are: 37 bust (32D- or 32DDD), 29-31 waist, 39-41 hip and a mom belly that can be up to 37 at its largest point. I’ve got very thick thighs which I love but now a lumpy post C section belly that ruins every style option because it forces me into a swimming sack of a top or yo overflow out of one that fits everywhere else and then come to the realization that nothing is cut or made to fit me. And after growing up and being only 85-95lbs as a teenager and needing to wear children’s sizes (which didn’t fit either because I’ve always had these THICK “woman” hips even though the rest of my body was that of a 10-year old) then becoming a mom twice over and realizing everything about my body has changed (except these hips)and now nothing fits “like it should”, I wonder if I’m just being vain and silly. But going from a size 0 to a size 10 and being child size in height but seeing that the measurements for a “large” and sometimes “xL” match your own but know that the proportions and length won’t, really messes with your mind.
I’m struggle bus with being anywhere close to okay with my body but also am constantly told that I’m crazy and shouldn’t worry because I’m so small yet the only time I felt good in my skin and with my belly was when I was pregnant and actually felt good showing my belly bump. Now I’m trying to wear something other than maternity clothes (my youngest is 21 months), but that’s all that fits.
And being in quarantine now my husband doesn’t get why I still stress over my appearance saying “nobody will see you, it doesn’t matter” and “nobody cares” completely missing the point that I CARE and it matters because I don’t feel good about it. So is it my body or is it just me? I get how frustrating it can be struggle with your body image while also being denied the the right to that feeling.